Today, I want to chat about sexual confidence. There are some common questions about sexual confidence like, “What is it, exactly?” “How do you know you have it?” “How do you create it?” “What does it look like?”

So, let’s get into that today.

I was listening to a mentor of mine this week, who was sharing some insights they had gotten on a European vacation.

One realization they shared was about simplicity, honesty and what was true for them.

And really, that’s exactly what sexual confidence is.

I define it as knowing who you are sexually - so, having self-awareness, feeling good about who you are, and knowing how to communicate and express it authentically and with awareness in the expression as well.

Let’s look at each of those aspects a bit more.

First, it’s about knowing, discovering or rediscovering who you uniquely are sexually - - so, what’s true and honest for you just like the realization that my mentor was sharing from her vacation.

This awareness includes so many things, like your:

• Sexual vision

• Values

• Desires … likes, dislikes, curiosities, kink interests

• Fantasies

• Orientation

• Gender identity

• Influences from the past that affect your thoughts, feelings, decisions and actions

• How you like to be touched

• How you like to be talked to

• What pleasure means to you

• Needs

• Abilities

• Anatomy

• Etc.

Second, sexual confidence is about feeling good about all of that and good IN all of that … and that’s a lot about:

• Knowing your worth

• Working through shame

• Learning skills and techniques

• Accepting who you are

• Gaining knowledge

• And knowing that you deserve pleasure and all that you want 

And third, it’s about knowing how to communicate it … and then freely and authentically expressing it and deepening your awareness in that expression.

The mindfulness or presence I’ve talked about in a past post comes into play here.

And so does consent because the authentic communication and expression of who you are sexually includes what you’re choosing to express or not express … what you’re choosing to say a yes or a no to.

Through this, you create the sex life that you really want.

What’s true is that your confidence can change over time.

It’s not like there’s one way that it looks, or one time when you figure all of this stuff out forever and boom, you’re confident.

It’s unique and about you, specifically, not about anything from outside of you.

And it’s a process.

Your desires, vision, values, etc. can change as you get to know yourself more deeply and as you grow and change and explore.

It also can change at various times in your life.

Like in a new relationship, after the loss of a relationship, after weight gain or loss, during or after pregnancy, in menopause, after an injury or illness … and so many other times.

I was talking with someone the other day who was sharing about feelings during menopause and thoughts like,

“Who am I anymore? I used to love sex and now I hate it and it hurts all the time.”

Or, alternatively,

“I would never go back to my younger experiences. I love the freedom and empowerment I have now, sexually.”

So, it’s like a wave … an ebb and flow … a lessening at times and huge growth at times … and I like to think of it as deepening along the way regardless though because even in the times where we may feel less confident, we’re learning and growing and when we reach a point where the wave expands, it’s actually a more powerful wave.

I’ve had many of those ebbs and flows myself:

• Pregnancy

• Stretch marks

• Weight gain

• Weight loss

• Getting in shape, so to speak

• Getting out of shape

• Injury and immobility for a period of time

• Aging

• Menopausal changes

• Beginning expressions of various fantasies and desires

• Relationship changes

• Time when I outwardly was seen as confident, but really wasn’t because I wasn’t being true to myself internally … which reinforces how confidence is an inside game

• Stepping into being true to myself and at first not feeling confident but then growing in confidence

• And so much more

So, the point is that it’s not a static thing or something that you can achieve and be done with it.

Wherever you are right now and wherever you are in your own process is beautiful.

So, why is sexual confidence a thing that we want or a thing that’s sexy?

Because it’s this energy that gets expressed and that attracts.

Ultimately it’s an energy of knowing who you are, knowing your worth, knowing you’re fucking awesome exactly as you are, expressing it and communicating it without shame, giving zero fucks about “shoulds” and societal expectations and bullshit standards, owning YOU and BEING you and expressing from that place. And being open to exploring that with partners you may have as well.

So, there’s honesty and authenticity.

There’s no holding back, so there’s vulnerability.

There’s a willingness to see and be seen, so there’s intimacy with self and others.

There’s power. And that’s unique to each person as well … when you own whoever you are and express it, that’s power.

And that feels really fucking good.

So, there’s this ultimate sense of it and sexual confidence is also moments and growth and little successes that are actually huge successes.

And like I said, it’s a process.

And it’s not necessarily an easy one, especially when the messages and “shoulds” and expectations out there are non-inclusive and shaming for so many people. Especially if you feel shame in some way now or are struggling with how things are for you.

If you want support, reach out. We can chat about what that might look like.

And I’ll link to some articles below as well if you want to go into any of the underlying stuff.

RESOURCES: 

1. Confidence as a Predictor of Sexual and Reproductive Health Outcomes for Youth, Gloppen et al.

2. Development of a Sexual Self-Confidence Scale and Its Psychometric Properties, Eyup Celik.

3. Psychometric Validation of Gender Nonspecific Sexual Confidence and Sexual Relationship Scales in Men and Women, Abraham et al. 

4. The Sexual Self-Consciousness Scale: Psychometric Properties, Lankveld et al.

5. What is Self-Determination Theory?, Kendra Cherry.  

6. Self Determination Theory and How It Explains Motivation, Ackerman.  

7. Identity vs. Role Confusion in Psychosocial Development, Kendra Cherry. 

8. Self-Efficacy and Why Believing in Yourself Matters, Kendra Cherry.

9. What is Self-Efficacy Theory?, Ackerman