Mindset is probably more important than any outward tips I could give you about intimacy and relationship communication.

But what is mindset?

And what does mindset have to do with relationship communication and intimacy?

So, let’s start there, but before I get into what mindset is, I want to take a look at what it’s not. Because it's likely not what you may think.

So, first … mindset is NOT positive thinking.

That seems to be a common perception - - just have a positive mindset about whatever thing … you gotta think positive … you create what you want when you think positive, etc. 

Now, I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with thinking positively. I’m just saying that positive thinking isn’t what mindset truly is.

It is about thinking. And it is about thinking in ways that serve you.

But it's NOT about "just" thinking positive … because all that does is put positive thoughts (which are sometimes manufactured) on top of what’s currently going on underneath in your unconscious mind … which is what runs the show. 

• Like when you create a positive affirmation but you keep eating junk food anyway, even though you want to stop.

• Or like when you create a positive goal to talk to a partner about something you fantasize about but shame holds you back and you keep it silent again and again .

The second thing that mindset is NOT is that it’s not about "just” believing.

That’s something that’s really commonly thought as well but you can't "just" choose to believe something different.

You have to also do the work to discover and shift the non-serving things in your unconscious so that different beliefs can run the show.

When you listen to the advice to "just" believe, you end up feeling like there HAS to be something wrong with you because you can't get this thing figured out.

That’s how I felt for a long time. 

It’s kind of like the positive thinking one where it’s putting a Band-Aid over something deeper that’s going on underneath and that stuff underneath keeps coming up for you even if you try to do something different.

And the third thing that mindset is NOT is that it’s not JUST a perspective on something.

A lot of people automatically associate mindset with holding a certain viewpoint about something. 

Like, “I have a good mindset about that.” 

It CAN be that.

But it’s also SO much more than that.

So, that's great, but what is mindset then?

Well, there are things that influence us in our lives (like the media and about a million other things). And we have certain experiences in our lives as well.

From those influences and experiences, we form perceptions of ourselves and the world.

Those perceptions become beliefs.

And from those beliefs, we form expectations of ourselves and the world.

All of that is happening in our unconscious.

But our thoughts reflect it and we can hear it silently whispering in the back of our minds (or maybe not so silently). 

Our feelings also reflect it.

And our actions follow our thoughts and feelings, which creates our results.

“Mindset” is all that stuff that's going on in your unconscious mind and your conscious mind that affects what you do, and the results you get in your life.

It’s about what’s in charge of all of that, or the identity you live from. 

We can choose to live from the identity that was shaped and silenced and shamed by all the societal influences … and experience thoughts, feelings, actions and results aligned with that. 

Or we can choose to shift that and live from our truth and our authentic selves … and experience thoughts, feelings, actions and results aligned with that.

So, really, mindset is a PROCESS of discovering the unconscious beliefs that are currently in charge (and resulting in the things you DON’T want as results), shifting them, and creating new ones that are more serving. 

Which is where positive thinking and new beliefs come into play, but the underlying stuff has to be dealt with for it to be effective.

So, what does mindset have to do with intimacy and relationship communication?

Well, just like in general, we’re bombarded with all kinds of influences from society and from our experiences that tell us what’s expected, what’s normal, what’s okay or not okay according to the societal standard. 

It all impacts what we think and how we feel about who we are, uniquely. 

Often, it shames and silences who we are in terms of our identity and desires and tells us we’re wrong, not normal or broken in some way.

So that we don’t express it outwardly. 

And then don’t feel awesome about what's going on in our relationships.

And that’s why I believe that random, surface tactics (like tips about communication) aren’t the answer on their own. 

You might try things like finally deciding to say something or setting goals or creating positive affirmations  … or even things like reading books, listening to podcasts or trying different communication skills … but it doesn’t work … or it doesn’t work for very long … and you end up feeling frustrated and stuck.

This is because the unconscious stories run your life … and you’re not alone in this because it happens to everyone in different ways.

We all have info coming at us from every possible direction in our lives. It influences how we see ourselves.

And as information KEEPS coming into our lives through our senses, we filter it based on many things, including what we believe about ourselves and the world, how we see ourselves, our beliefs, and many other things.

It all becomes our internal reality or our programming or the conscious and unconscious stories that we tell ourselves.

And like I mentioned before, it affects our thoughts, feelings and physical state. And it’s reflected in our behavior or actions. Which creates our results.

That’s why mindset is actually about getting clear about the influences you’ve experienced, how they’ve impacted you, who you authentically are and feeling confident about that so you CAN express it in your relationship.

And this is definitely possible.

So, that’s the gist of what mindset is all about and what it has to do with relationship communication and intimacy.

It’s the foundation I come from and how I view the concept of mindset in the coaching I do with clients, which is also about communication and intimacy, but alongside the deeper work.

If you'd like support with your relationship, including in this area of mindset, I invite you to fill in the application for coaching and we can chat about what that might look like for you.